Letting Go of the Numbers Game

_DSC8741I had just devoured my third piece of greasy, cheesy, loaded with every topping, delivery pizza and was about to tear into an unreasonably sized slice of raspberry white chocolate cake. It was my 30th birthday and I was 36 weeks pregnant eating as if I were supplying calories for a litter, not just one average sized baby. I was (baby weight aside) over weight and most of all unhealthy. It was gut-check time (pun intended).

I decided in that moment that if I was going to be 30 with 2 kids under the age of 2 I was going to look and feel good doing it. If I’m being honest, in that moment my main goal was looking good. I had visions of my younger self, but with my two kids.. totally attainable, right? Wrong.. and thank God for that!

I can’t say weight is something I’ve struggled with all my life. I was a very active kid and teenager and naturally leaned towards healthy eating. For those things I am truly grateful. When I got into my early twenties I found a passion for exercise and clean eating, but was never able to live a balanced life that way. I felt drawn to fitness, but always with a numbers goal in mind. I was dead set on weighing 110 lbs and being a size 0 or 2 at the most. Luckily those are goals I never quite reached because for my height and build they would not have been healthy.

I was great at the commitment to fitness and the clean eating; my miss was the health aspect. I was so caught up in being thin that numbers were all I saw. Number of calories I was taking in, grams of protein vs carbs, etc. I was so obsessed with that number on the scale I overlooked what was most important. Health.

Flash forward to 6 weeks postpartum with my second daughter. I had just started Brazil Butt Lift and was ready to reach my “30 with 2 under 2 and smokin hot” goal. And then one day in the shower (the only place I get a few moments of solitude to form a somewhat comprehensive thought) it hit me: Looking good has much less to do with what is happening from the neck down, and everything to do with what is happening between my ears. Confidence. I suddenly realized what I had been missing all of my 30 years on this earth: Confidence.

It was in that moment I committed to pursuing a healthy relationship with fitness and clean eating. I now know that the most important thing is feeling good and being the living role model of health to my two girls. Healthy body image is taught by my thoughts, actions, and words every day and they deserve a healthy, happy mom to show them the way.

Clean eating and exercise are still very much a part of my daily life. My focus, however, has shifted towards how I feel and away from my jean size and weight. I may not have 6-pack abs, but I have the energy to run and play with my toddler. I workout every day with my main goal being the health of my body and giving myself the energy to not just survive my day, but thrive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still exhausted by the end of the day (2 under 2, remember?) but I’m not in a food coma falling asleep on the couch at 7:45.

I can finally say that I feel strong, beautiful, and confident. I pray that it doesn’t take my daughters 30 years to realize they are all those things and much more.

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