Am I Full of Shit?

Our marriage is the foundation our family is built on, as much as we love our girls we will always prioritize our marriage first.

I have said (and truly believed) a version of that statement more times than I can count, but in all honesty, have I been LIVING it?

Unfortunately the answer is no, and it wasn’t until I was forced to really look in the mirror that I saw it.

In the big ways I have always put “us” first. Taking trips just the two of us before I was  ready to leave the girls as babies, prioritizing early bedtimes so that no matter what we would always get 2 hours kid-free together, not allowing the girls to sleep in our bed. You know, the “textbook” ways of putting our marriage first. But recently in the little ways I have let other things become priority.

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I have said forever that I wished we could have a weekly date night, but never made it happen. Sure, we didn’t have a sitter, but I also wasn’t actively trying to find one either. I was using that as an excuse and didn’t see what I was really saying: I choose not to trust someone to watch our girls because I would rather stay home than spend alone time with you.

Ouch.

Would I ever SAY that? No, of course not, but I didn’t have to. I was saying it every time Chad recommended someone to ask to watch the girls and I said no for whatever reason that seemed logical at the time.

Our marriage is feeling the stress of the stage we’re in right now. We are both working to grow in our careers, raising 2 toddlers, building a new house, serving in our church, and have 5 out of state trips in the next 6 months. It’s easy to lean in to the chaos and decide to catch up later, but one of my biggest fears is looking across the dinner table at him in 15 years and giving an empty smile while wondering what the hell happened.

Marriages aren’t made in the grand acts and big trips, it’s the day in and day out grind of doing life together and doing your best to actually prioritize one another in every way you can.

I officially got over myself and decided to hire help. I will have 2 mornings a week to work uninterrupted and one evening to spend with my favorite human. I am so looking forward to this time to remember why we chose to get ourselves into this crazy mess in the first place.

I have no doubt I will continue to lose and re-find balance over the next several decades, but as for now I choose him, I choose us, and we will all be better off for it.

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